A year into this pandemic and we all have found ourselves picking up new activities that we wouldn’t normally embrace. And while some of you are on your 360th sourdough starter (btw, super jealous), this pool-only swimmer has spent a year doing something I hate most… open water swimming.
10. Sighting
The cardinal rule of good swimming technique is a stable head and (generally) a neutral neck position. For you non-swimmers (or crap ones), that means eyes down when swimming on your front for an optimal horizontal body position for buoyancy and balance. In the open water, swimming point-to-point (rather than wall-to-wall in a pool), you have to check where you are going. When you are a newbie to open water (or a paranoid “I’m going to die every stroke/what just touched me” kind of open swimmer), the urge to lift the head and look forward is incessant. For some, it might as well be water polo with no whistle.
Obviously, there are ways to be more efficient at sighting, but there’s nothing like technology to prove who is better at swimming in a straight line. Combine that with pool swimmers that are delinquent about swimming straight when there’s a GIANT BLACK LINE painted on the bottom of the pool, and you have a smorgasbord of cannon fodder with which to mercilessly tease your swim pals throughout the work day.
9. Limited Shower / Changing Facilities
In an effort to discourage public gatherings on the beach, the leisure and sports department closed shower facilities at public beaches. There are few things more icky than the inability to wash off sand and ocean filth.
Thankfully, you’ve got a few options. Fill a couple extra water bottles and enjoy the trickle of fresh water (while it lasts). Finally, a justified need for that expensive hydroflask – a portable hot shower.
Invest in a fancy-AF portable shower tank and be spoiled for the rest of time. No changing room? No problem. Fairly certain Hong Kongers were glamping before it was cool.
Or rig a shower sink.
8. Chop
The beauty of pools is that flat, glassy surface on which Jesus would have loved to take a stroll. Pool construction and technology has changed rapidly to “eat the waves” as much as possible to create ideal water conditions throughout a race. Do you know which race has the worst spot to be in? Not the 200 fly, but the 4×50 free relay in a short-course pool, if you are behind the front pack. Every in and out of a flip turn or dive is like fighting a typhoon.
Every once in awhile (thankfully, fairly often in the bays where we normally open water swim in HK), the open water will grant you that pristine mirror-like conditions. But generally, those lovely ripples that make for beautiful Instagram photos, can be on a scale from annoying to downright Ursula the Sea Monster.
The worst human being I know, who also happens to be an avid open water swimmer, once told me that chop feels like getting repeatedly slapped across the face. So now, I just imagine slapping her silly and it brings me some comfort as I’m being rocked by mother nature.
Common types of chop/waves that I’ve experienced (not an exhaustive list):
- Sinus Rinse: Finds your snout every time. Will drip steadily post-swim for minimum 3 hours. Bonus- it’s already a saline solution. Note- not sterile.
- Water Board: No matter which side you breathe to, you’ll drown.
- Colonoscopy Prep: A couple mouthfuls of sludge will clear you out (later) in no time.
- Rolling with the Homies: Gentle waves that promise to be an absolute nightmare on the way back.
- Ship Wreck: Slaps those arms down every single stroke.
- Cast Away: Huge rolling waves where you can no longer see someone swimming less than 10m away.
- Cookie Tosser: The classic washing machine that induces a little (or a lot) of upchuck.
- Black Rain: No matter which direction you look, can’t see a darn thing.
- Death: Praying that we are headed in the right direction and this will all be over soon.
7. Wetsuits
Hate them or really hate them? Or learn to tolerate them because they protect you from hypothermia and jellyfish? Pass me the lube.
If we’ve learned anything this winter season: Italians bulk-buy their lube.
6. The Irish
Need to deflate your ego? Swim with an Irish(wo)man. No matter how badass/brave you think you are, the Irish are crazier. It’s gotta be the potatoes.
At least when they insult you, it’s unclear the word they are actually using so I just smile, nod, and give them the universal hand gesture for… love?
5. Rocks, Ropes, and Boats. Oh my!
As a competitive swimmer, I’ve had my fair share of head-bashing experiences, but generally, these accidents are preventable in the pool if you’re over the age of 6 and/or not a complete idiot (debatable). In the open water, however, obstacles and hazards can pop up out of nowhere. OR, they’ve always been there and you simply weren’t paying attention (back to the idiocy debate).
Nothing induces a string of curses more than being garroted across the face by a barnacled rope, body checked by a rock boulder, or face-smacking into a boat. There was also that time we tried to swim across a minefield of rocks at Green Egg Island, Clearwater Bay…. in 6-inch water depth. Yup, back to the idiocy debate.
4. Jellyfish (and other miscellaneous sea and plant life)
Let’s play a game.
Would you rather:
a. punch a jellyfish and feel your fingertips slide across bumpy, slimy skin narrowly missing going head first into the tentacles, or
b. wear a seaweed blanket like a cape for 15m in an open water race and get sea lice stings all down your back?
Would you rather swallow a mouthful of:
a. Red tide that look and feel like boba (only not delicious and tasty), or
b. Algae spunk that resembles millions of giant loogies (aka phlegm wads) suspended in time?
Would you rather swim through dark water that was later discovered to be:
a. Gasoline (aka petrol)
b. Squid Ink
c. Lion’s Mane jellyfish + baby shark below
A belly full of seafood has always brought me joy – I’d just prefer to not ingest my 12-course feast mid-3km swim and without a glass of champagne.
3. Water You Can’t Drink
Don’t trust it. Death by shark or microbe lurks with every stroke.
Extracted from swimsuit… after the 2nd rinse.
2. Open Water Swimming with Other Pool-only Swimmers
Pro – Slightly windy, possibility of rain? CANCEL IMMEDIATELY. Like-minded cowards think alike.
Con – Fitting a wetsuit to extreme Type A personalities. #muteswhatsappnotifications
Pro – When you hulk out of your wetsuit, those Type As figure out the best workable solutions. #unmutenotifications
Con – The ones with more open water experience / are less cowardly (see #6 The Irish) think it’s HILARIOUS to play footsie with you to test your reaction. #eggplanteggplantEGGPLANT
1. Frenchmen
Can’t sight. Can’t follow routes. Can’t follow instructions. Can’t understand them. Ditches you to swim off to sea to find another group of swimmers or snorkels mid-sprint. Simply – the worst.
You know what’s worse than the open water for a (formerly) pool-only swimmer like me?
… the gym.
… Frenchmen are still the worst.
Real Housewife of Hong Kong 
I loved this! haha. Especially appreciated the chop names and can particularly empathize with the Colonoscopy Prep (Boston’s water is better than when it was known for its dirty water but still not ideal for ingestion), Ship Wreck, and Rolling with the Homies variation. Maybe once I build up courage to get out in the Pacific now I can experience some of those other types.